Elizabeth- I loved the start of your essay, I was not expecting your essay to start off with so many personal experiences. I found this to be very relatable. While making all of these connections I thought it might be important to add some of the reasons how these personal experiences you’ve had with art have actually helped you either through schooling or personal experiences such as coping with stress. Something else that I believe you do very well in your paper is introducing the authors very smoothly. Your paragraphs are very clear with what each of your topic sentences is stating but doesn’t forget about TRAC paragraphs to help make sure you are including everything you need to support your idea. In your first claim paragraph, you include a topic and evidence to support that topic but I felt as though you were lacking restriction, analysis, and a conclusion. One last thing I would add into your paper at this point would be maybe adding either a person experience where you have received empathy from a nurse or you have seen someone receive empathy from a health care provider, because you talk a lot about how art can bring out the empathic side of nursing and I feel like an example would strengthen this claim. Overall I find your paper to be very relatable and I really enjoyed reading it!
Varodomh- While reading your essay I thought that your topic sentences were very foggy and hard to find, maybe make your claims a little clearer for your readers to follow and understand. So far in your essay I feel like you include a lot of strong quotes that really support your side of how art can benefit the sciences. Something that I really loved in your paper was your strength in using analogies. Your car analogy made it so easy for me to understand the point you were trying to get across and I feel like it will be easy for other readers to understand as well. Something that I think needs improvement throughout your paper is that although your quotes are strong, they are really long and I think some of the information you are including from the quotes doesn’t all need to be used. Try cutting down on quote length unless absolutely needed. You had a lot of well structured TREAC paragraphs that included topics, restriction, evidence, analysis, and a connection. Don’t forget that this essay’s prompt is all about how art can either benefit or not benefit the sciences and also your future profession. You touched upon this very briefly in the conclusion paragraph but I felt that this is such a rich and strong part of the essay that you should really award it it’s own paragraph.
